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a blog. mostly for my creative writing.
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December 25 2011
stop hammering at my heart
with your itty bitty rocky fists
making little pockmarks
in the growing scar tissue
every time i try to wrap it up
you tear off all the paper
and smack, smack, smack
gone before i have time to
futiley wrap it up again
with your itty bitty rocky fists
making little pockmarks
in the growing scar tissue
every time i try to wrap it up
you tear off all the paper
and smack, smack, smack
gone before i have time to
futiley wrap it up again
November 05 2011
rediscovery
how do i know
that the ticking of my heart is the Real Thing
instead of something buried that has arisen
and is shiny and beautiful just as i knew
and time is not the answer it has already gone by
the curse of honesty in a heart that will burst
always this always
god damn it cupid
doesn't my heart have enough holes already
that the ticking of my heart is the Real Thing
instead of something buried that has arisen
and is shiny and beautiful just as i knew
and time is not the answer it has already gone by
the curse of honesty in a heart that will burst
always this always
god damn it cupid
doesn't my heart have enough holes already
October 19 2011
nothing
is
melts
as
surely
slowly
as
this heart
and yet
yet
always a twist
always the cruel
ironic
senseless
warped
always a new
face of
the reaper of
destruction
is
melts
as
surely
slowly
as
this heart
and yet
yet
always a twist
always the cruel
ironic
senseless
warped
always a new
face of
the reaper of
destruction
October 12 2011
i think the transformation is complete
of a hardened heart so scarred with skeptic sorrow
i think the veneer is buffed i think it shines bright
i think you could break it with a hammer
but only you
you vicious ghost: this was supposed to exsanguinate you
the most
now you are the lone occupant
and the walls are wide apart and the halls are long
and the echoes are infinite
and all the ends are dead
ends.
of a hardened heart so scarred with skeptic sorrow
i think the veneer is buffed i think it shines bright
i think you could break it with a hammer
but only you
you vicious ghost: this was supposed to exsanguinate you
the most
now you are the lone occupant
and the walls are wide apart and the halls are long
and the echoes are infinite
and all the ends are dead
ends.
August 10 2011
only vaguely remember writing this.
'mister hypoglycemic mage'
the ash of a tongue set aflame
a sparkle click chanting words
glossolalia in eight different mouths
the sight of a thousand in the eyes of a few
(a picture is worth a thousand words)
at the top of a mountain in sepharimic outline
silhouetted by the flames licking hellbent on his robes
a black hole for a gaping mouth and the pit-eyes of a corpse
is your savior decaying on pounds of moss
a skeletal sort of nightmare
phantasmagoric from a realm unseemly
and his prophecy you listen in rapt awe
like a thousand dying maggots
sucking off the last scraps of flesh
from the whittled dog bones
in some sort of language depraved
"i have seen the sinners and the saints
both gnawing on the flesh of their elders,
roasting their young on spits in a smoky sort of serenade
a blood-christening rising on the early morning dew
wrinkled guts in heaps as they gut themselves"
in the coal-black whisper of midnight
"i have seen these sinners and saints
and they are just a simple mirror
as they gaze into the eyes of each other"
the ash of a tongue set aflame
a sparkle click chanting words
glossolalia in eight different mouths
the sight of a thousand in the eyes of a few
(a picture is worth a thousand words)
at the top of a mountain in sepharimic outline
silhouetted by the flames licking hellbent on his robes
a black hole for a gaping mouth and the pit-eyes of a corpse
is your savior decaying on pounds of moss
a skeletal sort of nightmare
phantasmagoric from a realm unseemly
and his prophecy you listen in rapt awe
like a thousand dying maggots
sucking off the last scraps of flesh
from the whittled dog bones
in some sort of language depraved
"i have seen the sinners and the saints
both gnawing on the flesh of their elders,
roasting their young on spits in a smoky sort of serenade
a blood-christening rising on the early morning dew
wrinkled guts in heaps as they gut themselves"
in the coal-black whisper of midnight
"i have seen these sinners and saints
and they are just a simple mirror
as they gaze into the eyes of each other"
July 13 2011
June 12 2011
"this vile voice not art"
if all i do is mine my sorrow
prying it apart bit by exquisite bit
is it really something revelatory
is it really a unique expression of some deeper wisdom
or is it simply a wounded animal, thrashing and wailing
gnashing its teeth, its cries echoing on and on
is there anything worth salvaging from this immense flood
or should i flail and diminish silently
prying it apart bit by exquisite bit
is it really something revelatory
is it really a unique expression of some deeper wisdom
or is it simply a wounded animal, thrashing and wailing
gnashing its teeth, its cries echoing on and on
is there anything worth salvaging from this immense flood
or should i flail and diminish silently
May 28 2011
i have let loose
everything i have
i gave
it is the hope born of vengeance
but not only that
i want it to mean what it means to me
the spiraling tide of existence
the gaping cavern
of a chance
because the word wait
will not suffice
because i dashed myself on the rocks
i just hope it means enough
so a shadow of my feeling
echoes through him
everything i have
i gave
it is the hope born of vengeance
but not only that
i want it to mean what it means to me
the spiraling tide of existence
the gaping cavern
of a chance
because the word wait
will not suffice
because i dashed myself on the rocks
i just hope it means enough
so a shadow of my feeling
echoes through him
April 24 2011
i want the threads of our existences to meet
intertwine, and ensnare
painfully tear and wearily wear
i will not lose you to the ether
intertwine, and ensnare
painfully tear and wearily wear
i will not lose you to the ether
April 16 2011
i'm falling asleep with the taste of you on my lips
you are anything but you are
the wild card i needed
the randomosity
it's what i can look forward to,
this maelstrom of an incandescent existence
you are anything but you are
the wild card i needed
the randomosity
it's what i can look forward to,
this maelstrom of an incandescent existence
April 14 2011
bird
you are a beautiful bird
and i am the sky
and you spread your wings against me without even knowing
without even caring
without even realizing
i am what gives you flight
i am what gives you free reign
to me, to me,
i am all the clouds
i imagine your wings beat now
in a vacuum
and i am the sky
and you spread your wings against me without even knowing
without even caring
without even realizing
i am what gives you flight
i am what gives you free reign
to me, to me,
i am all the clouds
i imagine your wings beat now
in a vacuum
April 02 2011
March 13 2011
music
if i close my eyes
the beauty will seep out
the pathos
right? the sensee
of that moment that i can't explain
caught in that web of the sound and the feeling
the sound and the fury perhaps
the goosebumps that grow on my skin
the cold that penetrates my skin
to my heart; when sad songs ring true
and inside them there is something
if i could share that feeling
if you could share my feelings
if we could share our feelings
for someone just to know it
if i could know what i was feeling
b flat a sharp parallel fifths
the beauty will seep out
the pathos
right? the sensee
of that moment that i can't explain
caught in that web of the sound and the feeling
the sound and the fury perhaps
the goosebumps that grow on my skin
the cold that penetrates my skin
to my heart; when sad songs ring true
and inside them there is something
if i could share that feeling
if you could share my feelings
if we could share our feelings
for someone just to know it
if i could know what i was feeling
b flat a sharp parallel fifths
February 26 2011
i will paint your soul in an array of colors i have picked from my own
and the shades will not match exactly but a portrait of both with blend
into the magic i keep in the secret of maybe once or twice or once
in the secret sparkle of your eyes of my heart of secrets you told me
that you forget or i forget ich weiss nicht aber ich
du stellst immer auf my mind
everything i am and at once i want to hold back but
i never could, i never could
with you
and the shades will not match exactly but a portrait of both with blend
into the magic i keep in the secret of maybe once or twice or once
in the secret sparkle of your eyes of my heart of secrets you told me
that you forget or i forget ich weiss nicht aber ich
du stellst immer auf my mind
everything i am and at once i want to hold back but
i never could, i never could
with you
January 05 2011
oh tumblemaze
your sweet sticky sustenance that draws me through
like a thread through the eye of a needle
and the twists and turns of a tornado the whipping winds
that leave me gasping grievously, choking on soot
and maybe it is supposed to be just out of my grasp
and in my nonchalance one day i will seize it
with a mighty fist of my own strength
the very me i long to find, buried deep inside,
a complex web-mess a latticed curtain all this that's piled up inside me
to clear away to something pure and clean
an essence of a miracle but i swear i've felt it
if only once
a sastified simple self-fulfilling
joy
your sweet sticky sustenance that draws me through
like a thread through the eye of a needle
and the twists and turns of a tornado the whipping winds
that leave me gasping grievously, choking on soot
and maybe it is supposed to be just out of my grasp
and in my nonchalance one day i will seize it
with a mighty fist of my own strength
the very me i long to find, buried deep inside,
a complex web-mess a latticed curtain all this that's piled up inside me
to clear away to something pure and clean
an essence of a miracle but i swear i've felt it
if only once
a sastified simple self-fulfilling
joy
December 10 2010
draw your lips across my skin i am keeping i am keeping a secret you may know a word of it
you may know a word but o hosanna the healing still the aches & pains
but the rays of light oh ra i thought they were gone in the dead of winter
in the dead of winter in the dead of winter in that embrace
and in this embrace of something else of me alone
and yet and yet
through the glass a broken jar through the broken door a fox and i
and i don't know but for a moment for a few nicht sorgen
and it is ok to live in these humble dreams
because i because i am whole fractured on the inside yes
but desuetude is not mine a fingerprint on a rock
a dozen rainbows in eleven shards of glass
you may know a word but o hosanna the healing still the aches & pains
but the rays of light oh ra i thought they were gone in the dead of winter
in the dead of winter in the dead of winter in that embrace
and in this embrace of something else of me alone
and yet and yet
through the glass a broken jar through the broken door a fox and i
and i don't know but for a moment for a few nicht sorgen
and it is ok to live in these humble dreams
because i because i am whole fractured on the inside yes
but desuetude is not mine a fingerprint on a rock
a dozen rainbows in eleven shards of glass
November 26 2010
paint you with a thousand brushes
big streak of gray
if only i could
your essence in a bottle
and i am melting away
my fingers stopped for months
i took a breath again
o cruel changing world
you have not taken all of me yet
so i will still dance
in the hushed neon lights of sparse shops
i thought i had lost everything
but there is a gem that beats in my heart
so strong so joyous so true
big streak of gray
if only i could
your essence in a bottle
and i am melting away
my fingers stopped for months
i took a breath again
o cruel changing world
you have not taken all of me yet
so i will still dance
in the hushed neon lights of sparse shops
i thought i had lost everything
but there is a gem that beats in my heart
so strong so joyous so true
September 28 2010
today i am prufock
and tomorrow and the next
sometimes i am not
but it is an inevitable descent
i do keep the effort
for everyone else but me
i know that at least
they'd be awfully upset you see
but these days are like a wall
and i cannot move at all
an abyss
or a special circle of hell
where i climb almost to the top
just to fall to the bottom
like sisyphus
one must believe sisyphus is happy.
but i am not.
and tomorrow and the next
sometimes i am not
but it is an inevitable descent
i do keep the effort
for everyone else but me
i know that at least
they'd be awfully upset you see
but these days are like a wall
and i cannot move at all
an abyss
or a special circle of hell
where i climb almost to the top
just to fall to the bottom
like sisyphus
one must believe sisyphus is happy.
but i am not.
September 10 2010
fragments
most strange men do not glorify: they run, unheeded into a pasture of wilting lilies and aching glass
lift the trumpet to your lips
and prance and sing and laugh and shit
a vein of ore tapped by minute glaciers each shifting in the wind like bamboo trees in gentle breeze
to dream is to trust is to die
this tempest
this raging wind
feathers lifted
falling spiral down why top reached slow descent save me something this it's just this state pray
sassy sister star in a skyspace
a musical clef like a stab in the heart
these grains of truth like nails in my feet
these whispered secrets like the wind on my hands
a beautiful drizzle of diamonds like a curtain around her face
lift the trumpet to your lips
and prance and sing and laugh and shit
a vein of ore tapped by minute glaciers each shifting in the wind like bamboo trees in gentle breeze
to dream is to trust is to die
this tempest
this raging wind
feathers lifted
falling spiral down why top reached slow descent save me something this it's just this state pray
sassy sister star in a skyspace
a musical clef like a stab in the heart
these grains of truth like nails in my feet
these whispered secrets like the wind on my hands
a beautiful drizzle of diamonds like a curtain around her face
August 21 2010
goodbyes aren't always forever but they always feel like it
there are ten thousand tomes tripping on my tongue
i open my mouth and they all fall out
you look me in the eye and all my insides rearrange
a bettor changing bets on the very last race
i suspend belief i drown in the dirt
of sitting here realizing how much i hurt
all the things i dreamt i could say
that i know i never could so they floated away
it's not that i wear my heart on my sleeve
it's that i give it away so often, and bleed
when there's nothing i can do and it's sort of a shame
i let myself go though such so exquisite pain
who knows what time will do
that cunning bitch
i don't trust her
i open my mouth and they all fall out
you look me in the eye and all my insides rearrange
a bettor changing bets on the very last race
i suspend belief i drown in the dirt
of sitting here realizing how much i hurt
all the things i dreamt i could say
that i know i never could so they floated away
it's not that i wear my heart on my sleeve
it's that i give it away so often, and bleed
when there's nothing i can do and it's sort of a shame
i let myself go though such so exquisite pain
who knows what time will do
that cunning bitch
i don't trust her
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